On January 19th I went to pick up my parents from Sea-Tac airport after they cut their Hawaii vacation short because my mom was in severe pain. None of us had any idea that at that moment that within days she would be in the emergency room, then ICU, moved to an oncology unit, in home hospice and gone exactly three weeks later.
Today I am giving her eulogy and celebrating her life with family and friends. Below is the journal entry I wrote shortly before she died. I will be reading it as her eulogy.
Journal Entry February 9, 2011
I've been here three weeks now caring for my mother. Right now is the first time I've made it to the beach.
There is hoarfrost covering the grass and rocks, even on the log where I sit. My mom spoke of the hoarfrost that coated North Dakota the winter her mother died. (Painting of her memory of that time)
Mom has been unconscious since Saturday – today is Wednesday. I decided today would be a good day to come to the beach as a signal to her that I will be okay. I am giving her the space to go. She would want to be free and not trapped in her stagnant body with her eyes closed.
She gave me a thousand memories in the past three weeks alone to hang onto. I've seen her laugh and cry – say goodbye – love and give – mourn and worry.
My mom is most alive in her smiles and those have been gone now for many days. The mourning has begun. The biggest part of her is already gone.
Sitting on this beach my mind is filled with memories of her here with her grandchildren. She spent endless hours throwing rocks in the ocean and hunting for tiny crabs.
Today is a perfectly clear crisp cool day – a perfect day to say goodbye. Her body is already so weak and yet she continues to live. Maybe she is waiting for this perfect clear Whidbey Island day.
At first goodbye seemed like it was coming at us so fast and now it feels like a long goodbye. With her conversation gone, now the days are long and painful watching her body suffering.
When I got here three weeks ago I realized that if this wasn't the end I certainly could see if from here. Her body was giving out around her.
My mom was expected to live 3-10 years when she was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease 44 years ago. She raised us with the intention of being strong and independent enough to live without her. She always knew her time was limited. Her goal was to raise us and she did. Then her goal was to know her grandchildren and she did that, too. Her final goal was to die at home with her family where she is home now.
My mother reminded me this week of how important it was to know people – even if it was for only a short period. She wanted to know everyone's name and to learn a piece of their story when she was with them.
Growing up in my mother’s shadow I learned to be creative, express myself and try new things. She taught me to dance through life with love and laughter pouring out freely. I learned to be strong and brave and to accept that sometimes there is nothing left to do but to die at your appointed time.
I wish I could bring this peaceful scene with the ocean perfectly reflecting the bright blue sky with the mountains clear and so close it feels like you could reach out and touch them to my mother's bedside right now. She would enjoy this cool gentle breeze and the hypnotic sound of the ocean caressing the beach. I wish she could breathe in the scent of the ocean so that she would know that it is an ideal day to die – and let go.
My mom saw the beauty in everything and in people. She could translate the beauty onto canvas. For me it is pen and paper that I express myself. These are the first words I've allowed to pour out onto paper because I’ve needed to be brave these past few weeks. My mom never liked to console people in her time of crisis – so I was brave. But now I've walked down to the safety of the ocean and let down my brave face as I write through tears.
(At 10:00 a.m. I finished writing those words. I had nothing left to write. I sat staring at the ocean for a few moments but the contentment I felt sitting there had left me and I felt compelled to return to the house. I took a moment to throw a rock into the ocean for each member of our family to symbolize us letting her go.
I came to her bedside and told her about the hoarfrost that had settled over Whidbey Island and even onto the beach – like the hoarfrost that was present when her mother died. I told her that the sky was blue and that it was a perfect day to say goodbye.
Her breathing was the same – I walked away from her bedside and moments later returned to find her breathing had changed. We gathered around her and within moments she released her last breath and with that, at 10:25 a.m, she said her final goodbye.)
Upon Goodbye
It is nearly impossible
to think of you in the past tense.
Your life is colorfully woven into the fabric of ours.
I know you are gone,
I saw you leave,
but in my memory you are vividly alive,
with your mischievous smile
teasing the corners of your mouth.
Saying “she was…”
doesn’t fit comfortably on my tongue yet
because you left bold strokes upon my life.
I see you “alive” all around me
You live in the impression
you left upon your grandchildren.
Your life is etched in the laugh lines
worn deeply into my father from a lifetime
of joy shared with “the love of his life”.
I see you in the bold brush strokes you left on canvas
and the lives you touched.
I can hear you in the language of my motherhood
and the dialect of my life.
I feel your strength that you wove deep
into the hearts of my brother and I
because you always knew that you would leave us too soon.
Death may have taken you,
but what you left behind
Will echo in our lives
for generations to come.
Kayla Fioravanti 2/10/11
I think every single human being wishes to be remembered as you have remembered your mother. To love someone so deeply that you are compelled to write your most personal thoughts to a world of virtual strangers is a remarkable quality. And look how many people you have touched.
You live in the details, Kayla. Most people who do are too fragile for the world. But clearly, you open yourself to sharing. There is no more evolved characteristic than that.
Posted by: Janet Lamar | March 16, 2011 at 04:40 PM
Dear Kayla,
It was hard to finish the beautiful tribute to your mother. My tears blurred the words.
How lucky you were to have such a wonderful relationship. I am sure you were a comfort to her all your life, but especially the last three weeks.
Sharing your loss, your thoughts and your feelings feelings was beautiful.
My prayers and love are with you, your Dad, Dennis and the rest of your family as you go on.
<3
Posted by: Cheryl | February 16, 2011 at 01:13 PM
Its great that you have the ability to put this into words Kayla. I know its not easy and I will keep you in my prayers.
Posted by: Cindy Jones | February 16, 2011 at 12:39 PM
It's a beautiful to remember your mom. I'm reading and crying along and you make me missing my mom so much.
Posted by: Usa Pratanasup | February 16, 2011 at 12:27 PM
Dear Kayla,
As a Mother, a Grandmother and a Great-grandmother I can see by your words you are the type of child every mother dreams of. The love the two of you shared is vast and infinate and may that love and memories carry you thru the days, weeks, months and years ahead of you before you join you dear mother once again.
Jan Pace
Posted by: Jan Pace | February 16, 2011 at 09:18 AM
My heartfelt condolences to you and your family. What a true soul story! Thanks for sharing them with us.
May God bless you.
Posted by: Sahana | February 15, 2011 at 02:18 PM
Kayla,
What a beautiful tribute to your mother. It brought tears to my eyes. As someone who has lost my mother in law and my brother in law, three months apart to the day, Your beautiful words really touched me.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Posted by: Judyporter | February 15, 2011 at 07:15 AM
Kayla,
Your tribute to your mother was very touching and beautiful! My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Posted by: Mae | February 14, 2011 at 02:06 PM
Well said Kayla... a very nice tribute
Posted by: ToddWeissCFA | February 14, 2011 at 08:19 AM
Kayla...What a beautiful tribute to your mom...She would be so proud. We all send our most sincere condolences to you and your entire family.
Kelley
Posted by: Kelley Perea-Shafer | February 14, 2011 at 07:45 AM
Kayla thanks so much for sharing this special time with us. I am the caregiver for both of my parents and it helped to remind me to stop and take advantage of the time I have with them. I love the poem as well as sharing time with you on the beach and your thoughts. I am so sad you have lost your mother, but what a wonderful daughter she has left behind. God bless all of you.
Posted by: Kay Rose | February 14, 2011 at 07:36 AM
Hello Kayla,
My eyes are full of tears as I read your post. What a wonderful tribute to your mom. I only hope I can be as brave as you were and are when it comes time for me to say goodbye to my mom, if she passes before me. I was young when my father died and not brave at all. I hope that the awareness that I have cultivated within me since his passing will give me the strength when the time is needed, whenever it is needed.
Blessings,
Gina
Posted by: Gina Rafkind | February 13, 2011 at 05:45 PM
My sincere condolences. I lost my father to cancer in 2008 after a short, but brave battle, and while I miss him daily, I am happy to know he is out of pain. Thank you for sharing your reflections with us :)
Posted by: Amanda | February 13, 2011 at 12:38 PM
My sincere condolences to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm sure they will be of comfort to many. ((hugs))
Posted by: Sironasprings.wordpress.com | February 13, 2011 at 09:55 AM
What a beautiful memorial to your mom!
My sincere condolences to you and your family.
Posted by: Nicole | February 13, 2011 at 07:44 AM
Oh Kayla, I hardly know you, and did not know your mother, but this has touched me deeply, as I know it will/has touched others. I lost my mother in 1998 and can relate to your experience on the beach. Thank you for sharing this and may God bless you and your family. ~Debbie
Posted by: Deb Richards | February 13, 2011 at 07:23 AM
My <3 goes out to you.
Posted by: N | February 13, 2011 at 05:44 AM
Dear Kayla
I am sorry to hear about the passing of your mum. I thank God that you were able to spend time with her during the final days. It is clear that you had a wonderful relationship with her and that there are several sweet memories that will remain with you forever. Please accept my sympathies. May she rest in perfect peace.
Regards
Aba Sey (I live in Ghana but have been using Essential Wholesale products since 2007)
Posted by: Aba Sey | February 13, 2011 at 03:06 AM
Very poignant, Kayla, and beautifully written.
My prayers for you as you continue on in life without her.
Posted by: Beth | February 12, 2011 at 09:50 PM
Judy Schwinghamer emailed me this morning that Helen Kelley had died. We were classmates at Mt. Marty College in Yankton, SD. We arrived in the fall of 1959 !
I can see Helen in my minds eye as clearly as if it were yesterday ! She had a great smile and beautiful red hair... After 50+ years her smile has never left my memory.
My condolences to her family...and may she Rest in Peace !!! God Bless !
Mary Anne Post-Rhomberg
"Postie"
Posted by: Mary Anne Post-Rhomberg | February 12, 2011 at 08:18 PM
I literally ran into Kelley a few weeks ago at the the PX. Actually, she playfully rammed into my cart with hers, grinning like a little Irish ghome.
I loved her as an artist, a God-loving person, a great Mom, a loving and devoted wife, and as a friend to me that could be counted upon, no matter what. She was a beautiful soul, quick witted, a straight shooter, tougher than hell, and, I believe, owned the patent on the worlds' most wonderful smile.
Nikki Farias
I will miss you, my friend. I wish we had had more time together.
Wednesday at 6:13pm · Like · 1 person
Posted by: Nikki Farias | February 12, 2011 at 05:37 PM
Absolutely beautiful Kayla.
Posted by: Lisa M. Rodgers | February 12, 2011 at 05:35 PM
Beautifully done. I'm thinking of you and yours.
Posted by: Denny | February 12, 2011 at 05:24 PM
Kayla, this piece is beautiful, and says so much about Kelley and about you. She would be (is) so proud of you. i have forwarded it to another frien (Lois Brown) who was a Mt. Marty, St. Bernards roomate.
Posted by: Donna Bowker | February 12, 2011 at 05:01 PM
So beautiful, so poignant.
I love this; "I see you “alive” all around me...I can hear you in the language of my motherhood and the dialect of my life."
When my mum died, all us children went immediately down to the beach. I parted their company to take my own walk of solitude, finding solace in the vastness of the ocean and sound of the waves.
Walking along the sea, I looked up to heaven, praying. "God, I have to know", I pleaded. Instantly, my heart's vision could see her; kneeling at His feet, weeping in rapt gaze.
Then the words of the song: "Thank you for giving to the Lord, I am a life that was changed", came so strongly to my memory.I too wept softly; and then looked out over the ocean. Above the horizon was a brand new crescent moon with a single twinkling star.
Her journey in her new life had begun; and my joy at knowing her newfound peace in the realms of glory just made it so much easier.
Even now, I can imagine her busy in heaven, doing some of the things she did on earth, loving strangers, mothering infants, telling stories, but many new things. It just gives me so much joy and peace to think of that, and to think of our reunion one day.
You did a great job, Kayla. You made a difference in her life, and in the lives of your whole family.
You are that same kind of woman, and she taught you well!
Hugs and peace to you....
Posted by: Kelly Ann Taylor | February 12, 2011 at 04:13 PM
What a beautiful tribute to your mother! Thank you for sharing your heart and hers. My prayers are with you and your family this day. God bless you! ♥
Posted by: Diane | February 12, 2011 at 04:09 PM